The Transition – Fatty Bom Bom to Lara Croft

3 Jun

Many months ago, if you were to tell me that i can have muscles like this, it would have tickled my funny bone.

Utterly absurd, ridiculous and out of this world.

And a photoshoot of myself half-naked?

You can kiss my flabby ass.

Before the photoshoot, i was so worried that my body would not turn out good enough and i might end up having to cheat others about how i look, adding in lines and curves wherever needed.

Worse, thinking about the reactions i would gather when my photos go ‘live’,

‘What if they think i’m not good enough?’

‘What if people think i am still fat?’

I had a million insecurities and hesitations to just stop there and then and just forget about this whole thing.

i was considering photoshopping someone else’s abs and layer it atop my own…. as a back-up plan.

I am a fat girl, i was a fat girl.

That psychological struggle was still haunting me.

For years, i have fought the war with the self-esteem devil alone.

I lost them all, and slaved myself to the whims and fancies of this evil thing, ranging from feeling bad and feeling worst.

It was not so beautiful from the outside either.

What struck me half a year ago to shed the excess weight was my Dad,
who nudged me and said,  

‘小心啊,你有一點胖了’

Which means ‘Be careful, you’re getting a little pudgy.’

I looked like this. 23 Oct 2010.

Part of me wanted to punch him in the face,

the other part of me wanted to bury myself under my blanket and cry Forever.

I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way, being the health freak that he is.
But obviously, it rubbed me the wrong way, and i was so affected by it.

I thought he was shallow and hurtful.

Pride got in the way and i started working out again, crazy routine until i found Turbofire.

He wasn’t the only one along the way.

The taunts and nasty comments people made over the years have tuned my mind to think that i was banished to a life of feeling-shit-about-myself.

It is not easy for me to just drop and let go of that fat girl i was, probably the last half of my life.

I needed constant assurance from friends and family, before i believed that i was doing good.

‘Don’t be stupid lah’,
i would have said now, to Shinna from a third party’s point of view.

I have changed,
and now i need to believe i am no longer the fatty bom bom i was.

I am fit, strong and absolutely relentless.

Coming to terms with recognizing my hard work and saying ‘Thank you’ when someone tells me i did well.

That photo on the right (side-bar) was the changing point of my perception of myself.

From a girl who practically started from nothing.

We are so used to seeing someone else’s transformation, getting muscles and abs, but i never thought that That Someone else could one day be me.

It still seems surreal to me at times.

Moments to myself, i would think,

‘That is me leh!!!’ Laughs.Out.Loud.

I still have HMB days, (quoted from a friend on Twitter)

which means Hate My Body Days,

times which i just want to nestle in bed and wallow in self-pity.

But i am getting Better.

In the end, i presented the raw pics to you guys cos here’s a true transformation story.

There’s no overnight victory.

It doesn’t matter if you found imperfection here and there,

cos I’m not stopping here.

🙂

Have a great weekend.

♥x, S.L

P.S: I love my Paps still.

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